Patent Pending

So, I think I'm sick.  I'm not 100% certain of this, because it seems to come and go. It started about a week and a half ago, on a Monday night. I was at Target and I started sneezing up a storm, which is very unusual for me.  Then my nose started running.  Handy that I was at Target, right?!  Usually, I get sick and I've just gone to the store the day before and don't have any of the things I need to get over whatever illness I have contracted.  On my way to check out, I stop in the "cold" aisle and look at the drugs on hand and check out the one that's supposed to stop a cold in its tracks if you take it soon enough.  I pick it up, ponder, then put it back down. "No, it's not a cold, I'm sure.  Some funky thing in the air here is just irritating my nose.", I tell myself.  So, I leave the store without it.

Fast forward to today, 10 days later.  This is the damnedest sickness!  I can go a day or two without sneezing, then I spend an entire day doing it.  My throat is sore one day, but not the next.  My nose is running like a fat kid for the last box of Ding Dongs on the grocery store shelf. 

Today, I'm tired of the mucus. "MAKE IT STOP!"  

Every time I get a cold, I think about mucus. Surely, there must be a way to put it to good use; maybe even make money off of it.  It's got to be the most renewable resource this world has and it's environmentally safe.  It doesn't produce thick black clouds that pollute our lungs and surely no wars will be started over it. Talk about the ultimate re purposing project!  So, here it is, my first list of ways to reuse mucus; and don't even think about stealing any of these to make your own millions - I've already submitted the paperwork to get them all patented!

1. Glue: Face it, what mother in the world hasn't found dried mucus (boogers) stuck to their child's bedroom wall? (Or any other wall in the house!)  Once it's there, you practically need a putty knife or chisel to get it off.  This shit will keep anything in place once it's dry.  Unlike Super Glue, if you get a little on your hands, you can just wash it off.  So, the next time your kid needs to build a project with Popsicle sticks, don't waste your money on Elmer's Glue. Just dab the ends of each stick in your kid's runny nose and you're good to go.  The Popsicle stick project will last longer than a styrofoam cup in a landfill. (Kids can't get high sniffing this "glue"!)
2. Breast implants: Since mucus is a fluid produced by our bodies, for our bodies, this is a perfect idea!  Silicone implants that burst can cause a myriad of problems inside the body. But mucus?  No big deal. Worst case scenario, you have a runny boob instead of a runny nose. That's so much more convenient to deal with anyway.  Just slip a kleenex into your bra cup and again, you're good to go.
3. Picture hangers: There are a lot of people in the world that hate to put nail holes in their walls. (I don't understand this, but that's their problem, not mine!) Easy solution, grab a booger or two, place them on the top two corners of whatever you're hanging, press to the wall, and shazaam!  For heavier hangings, you may need to dab a booger on each corner and also evenly spaced around the perimeter, on the back of the frame.
4. Textured ceilings: Seriously, if you blew a couple dozen gallons of mucus onto your ceiling, you'd probably get the same effect as with that expensive stuff.  Once dry, you can paint it any color you want.  No one will know that you used a "green"  product unless you decide to tell them!  Going "green" is the big thing these days, you know?! (This could easily be done for textured walls as well.  Mucus to imitate the venetian plaster look, and boogers to imitate that "sand in the paint" look that was popular in the 60's.)

My patents won't be completed for 60-90 days, so for now, I'm outta here to go blow my nose into a jar, so that I can get a head start on production.