Seven years ago, I heard those words that no one ever wants to hear. "You have cancer." Flanked by my mother and good friend, I went out into the hallway of the medical building and found a secluded corner near the elevator. Then I cried. It was the loud and ugly cry that we never want others to see. I remember sobbing and saying "I don't want to die.". My mother hugged me, as she had always done when I was upset about something; but this time, it meant so much more to me. I hugged her back, as hard as I possibly could and I wanted that hug to last forever. If that hug never ended, maybe I wouldn't have to face any of the ugliness that was about to smash into me, head on. I remember looking at my friend, through my tears, and she was standing back from my mother and I, tears rolling down her cheeks as well, just letting my mother and I have our moment.
Over the course of the the next 9 months, I endured a lumpectomy, a mastectomy and then chemo. I think I breezed through it all with far fewer side effects than most others and for that I am extremely grateful. Like most all chemo party-goers, I lost all my hair. ALL my hair! Not just the hair on my head, but also the hair in my nose, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, and, well, uhmm.....also the hair down there. I lost my sense of taste. Very few foods had any taste whatsoever, and for some reason, the textures of some foods even seemed to change. Water for example - it seemed to have thickened somewhat and was almost slimy and tasted very nasty. I could only drink Diet Coke or overly sweetened iced tea. There was no point in eating things that weren't the texture they were supposed to be and and even if I did eat them, they tasted horrible. I survived on Black Forest Cheesecake in plastic tubs from Wal Mart. That was about the only thing that seemed to taste the way that it should and the texture was normal.
During my second course of chemo, sleep became a distant memory. For days after my treatment, I could not sleep for more than a couple of hours and never before 4 AM. I would stay up all night long and clean, read, do laundry, etc. All the while, I would long to be asleep in my bed, but my body would not cooperate. I did have the cleanest house ever and my laundry was all caught up, but I would have traded it in a heartbeat for 8 hours of sleep.
Having cancer sucked. Even though I'm now a 7 year survivor, it still sucks. It sucks because it will always be there in the back of my mind. Every time I don't feel well, I think "Is it back?". For several weeks before my annual mammogram, I wonder "Is it back?" Every time I get an ache or hurt somewhere, I think "Has it moved to a new part of my body?". Yes, having cancer is a forever thing, even if they get it all out of you and tell you that you're good to go.
I never asked "Why me?" or felt that God had let me down. Never. I'm not sure why, but I never did. Perhaps I really do live by the mantra that there is no point worrying about things if I have no control over them. This always made my ex-husband angry. (And that secretly delighted me!) Something would happen that would totally piss him off and get him going, and there I'd be, calm as a cucumber! My calmness in the face of his perceived crisis made him even more upset every time!
Why am I telling you all this? Not to make you feel sorry for me or tell me how brave I was. I'm telling you this because I HATE it when I see people taking advantage of situations or others because they've had cancer. Yes, I have compassion for those who have fought this battle. Been there, done that, and have LOTS of t-shirts! BUT.....I'm so tired of observing others using this cancer card as a way to benefit themselves. When I worked for the famous cotton, quilted handbag company, we would receive countless letters/emails from people who have had horrible illnesses, or their mother/sister/ niece, best friend or aunt's sister's neighbor's mother has had cancer. They all wrote to ask us to please send them a free purse because the person they know has been through so much. Really, a free purse is going to make this person feel so much better about what they have been through? A free purse is the perfect "badge of honor" for having lived through such a horrible ordeal?
This ALWAYS made me angry and it still does, whenever I see someone using the cancer card as a way to get something for free. While at the cotton, quilted handbag place, I once had a supervisor/director offer me comp time because I had worked some pretty long hours recently. Now, I was a salaried employee and wasn't expecting comp time for the extra hours I had put in, nor was it the company's standard operating procedure to offer it. I thanked her for the offer and declined. Then, I asked her why she had offered it to me and she said that she knew I was a cancer survivor and that rest was probably very important for me. Mixed feelings welled up inside of me. I thought it was so kind of her to make the offer, but I was also plain mad that she would make that offer to me only because I was a cancer survivor. I wanted any offers to be made because I earned them, deserved them and because anyone else would have received the offer as well. I didn't want to start down the road of accepting special treatment because of something that I went through years before. I never took comp time that was offered for that reason, even though I would have loved some extra time off! When comp time was offered across the board for all of us, due to whatever projects and extra time worked, I took it and relished it, just like everyone else did. Because I earned it.
Cancer sucks and it always will. But I will NEVER use it to get something for free or get special treatment. The ONLY badge of honor I want after cancer is the badge of being a good person, living a good life and doing for others. I make myself available to others embarking on the breast cancer journey, offering my stories and advice when solicited. I give of myself and my time more freely. My badge of honor isn't the stuff I got because others felt sorry for me......it's feeling good about the life I lead, knowing that I have helped others when they needed it, that everyone in my life knows that I love them and would do anything for them. My badge of honor is MY LIFE!
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